When I was only thirteen, Atanu was my first crush. We were in the same classes. Even at that young age, I dreamt that I would be a good wife and a perfect mother. But that wasn’t the right time to think about it, I was too young. Yet I couldn’t keep Atanu out of my mind. I loved how soft spoken, handsome and cultured he was. Due to my father’s transferable job we were constantly on the move, but Delhi was where we spent most of our years and it ended up being my favorite. My mom was a selfless homemaker who didn’t care about her own dreams. Sometimes I could tell that she got irritated and behaved rudely, I figured it was due to her dissatisfaction with herself.

Fast forward a decade or so, I was in the final year of my master’s degree, when I met Virat, who was handsome in an obvious way. He was a badminton champion and a senior to me.

We became good friends, then eventually got closer and ended up in a relationship. He was commanding and demanding but I never gave it a second thought as I saw my mother follow the instructions of my father to the letter and even bow her head silently during the occasional scolding. I thought submission was the key to have a success family life. After two years of us dating, Virat wanted to get married. He didn’t ask me, rather it was his decision. My mother was ecstatic, my father wasn’t thrilled – he didn’t like Virat perhaps because they were so alike. My mother was doing her best to convince my father, that he was the right guy for me and that I would be happy. But then, all on a sudden, I felt uneasy with the thought of marrying Virat. I didn’t know why! And while I was dealing with this internal conflict, Virat’s family came over to discuss the wedding ceremony and demanded a lumpsum amount as dowry.

I was shocked and my father vehemently refused to agree to such draconian terms. I was speechless seeing Virat not even blinking an eye, rather he got angry at my father’s reaction and unloaded all his discontent on me. That was the day I felt like there was a vacuum inside where my heart used to be, I felt insecure. My mother was distraught as she was sure that I could never get anyone better than Virat. Moreover, every relative and friend in our social circle knew about Virat and me dating, so in my mother’s mind, it would bring shame upon on the family if this wedding didn’t happen. That night my father asked me whether I loved Virat and couldn’t imagine my life without him, and if the answer were yes, then he would accept their demand for dowry. I took time to think about what had happened that day. I decided that before I answered my father, I first needed to talk to Virat.

That night I couldn’t sleep at all, I was confused and conflicted, I couldn’t tell right from wrong. All these years I had never protested against Virat’s actions or opinions. The whole relationship was flashing before my eyes. He dominated every aspect of our relationship, I was nothing but a subject to a king. Looking back I realized that the more I tried to make him happy, the more would he demand. I did not know who I was anymore, I had lost my identity.

Something awakened in me that night, I told myself that enough is enough, that I must clearly state that I will not be subservient wife if we were to get married. With my mind made up, I started getting ready to go have my talk with Virat. My mother must have sensed my determination and came in to my room to try to convince me that submission and compromise where important in every marriage and I shouldn’t fight what was expected of my gender. I did not hear most of what she said since I was nervous and my whole body was shivering just at the thought of confronting Virat. Somehow I mustered up the courage and I went out to meet him. He was late, as always. At the very sight of him, I felt my mouth dry up, I felt helpless. He sat down and asked, “What’s the matter?”

I collected myself and muttered, “I want to ask you something before our marriage, if I were not to marry you, would you be sad?”

“Why? Did you think that you are that special that without you my life will be incomplete?!”

He followed those cruel words with a sarcastic laugh like I had asked something completely outlandish. I felt my insides vibrate as I realized that the person I was going to choose as a husband did not actually love me. I somehow kept the conversation going, “We have been in a relationship for more than years and this would be a love marriage, not an arranged marriage, so why are your parents demanding dowry?”

“I shouldn’t even dignify that question with an answer”, Virat boomed, “I don’t know how uncultured you have to be to not understand common customs of our society. In our family, the moment a girl is born, we start keeping money aside for her wedding. The more we give, the more prestigious we feel.”

I don’t know how I got the strength to speak up but I told him that customs like these were outdated and unethical. He was both furious and confused as this was uncharted territory for him. I had never disagreed with him before. I ended up leaving with him still yelling behind my back. I can’t remember how I got home but when I did, my mother was waiting for me. I didn’t give her a chance to cry and try to emotionally blackmail me into marrying Virat. I just fled to my room and shut the door.

I cried and cried till there were no more tears left. I felt suicidal since I didn’t know how to go on without Virat. I could hear my mother crying and banging on the door, my father joined her as well and told me quietly through the door that they will do whatever was needed to make me happy and whole again. Hours flew by as I cried into my pillow, my parents still waiting on the other side of the door and then I started to realize that these two people were ready to sacrifice everything for me including their egos. I realized that I had dodged a codependent bullet by leaving Virat. And I was lucky to have parents that were supportive and willing to see me through this dark phase of my life.

I opened the door and I hugged both of them and wept like a baby. I discovered that they were enough for me for the moment.